The Real Reason People don't Reply

What if people who don't reply to your emails/texts and don't answer the phone actually do want to support you?

Does that sound crazy to you?

Surely if they wanted to support you they would pick up the phone!?

The conventional wisdom (this is what I previously taught) is that when they don't pick up the phone it's because either:

A) They are busy; they just need to be chased a few times.

B) They are not interested; they are ghosting you.

It's impossible to know the difference, so (I used to teach) just keep following them up! Either they'll keep ghosting you – nothing lost, or they will eventually pick up the phone – you get a chance to meet with them.

Complete perspective change

My mind was completely changed on this topic at a recent group coaching meeting.

We flipped the scenario and asked "What would cause us to act in this way?"

The first thing I felt was that the description, 'ghosting', feels very judgemental.

I know I do this sometimes, but it doesn't feel like I'm ghosting someone. I don't see myself as the sort of person who would do something so rude.

This created a real tension – a cognitive dissonance.

Why we judge others

When I fail to pick up the phone, to reply to an email, it's because I'm overwhelmed, anxious, or forgetful.

So why am I judgemental of others and so understanding of my own complexities?

Actor-observer bias is when I attribute other people's failure to their bad character, while I attribute my own failures to external or more sympathetic causes. It's a common way of thinking that leads us into judgementalism and hypocrisy.

Start with love

Paul exhorts us to treat each other with love – which means always assuming the best of other believers – which therefore means recognising and challenging our tendency to assume the worst (1 Corinthians 13).

This is a consistent message for the church through the New Testament. Paul tells the Philippians to look to the interests of others, not only our own (Philippians 2:4). Jesus urges believers to treat others the way we'd want to be treated (Matthew 7:12).

My description of potential partners as 'ghosting' ministry workers was very unloving – and self-condemning (Romans 2:1).

C) They would like to help, but they're stuck

When I think about the times I've been the one not replying, it usually went like this:

• Now isn't a good time. I'm busy, I'm overwhelmed, and it's not my priority right now.
• I'd actually like to help.
• But I can't help right now, so I start to feel guilty.
• That guilt makes me feel inadequate, and I start to harden a little towards the person who asked.
• So I don't reply. Not because I don't care, but because I'm stuck.

The people who don't reply are often people who would like to help us.

If they wanted to say no, a no is easy to send. Silence might just be a sign they'd like to say yes, just not yet.

Why chasing makes it worse

My own experience of asking is that it is rarely option A.

If someone is already feeling guilty about not replying, another follow-up adds to that guilt. It makes the stuck feeling worse.

I know that beyond the first two follow-ups, I start to feel guilty – I am less likely to partner because of the negative feelings I'm experiencing.

So just give up?

If we can't keep following up, does that mean we should just accept being 'ghosted'? Never speak to that person again?

No. Take the pressure off. Let them know you understand, and that you'll get back in touch later. Something like this:

Hey, I know things might be really full for you at the moment, and I totally understand. Rather than following up again now, I'll get in touch in a couple of months. Talk then!

Then leave it at that. Put a date in your diary or tracker to follow up.

Show them some love in the meantime

If you truly do care about them as a person, prove it by reaching out to them unrelated to raising support before then: 

• Pray for them, and let them know you are.
• Keep them on your update list, with no ask attached.
• If you hear something is going on in their life, send a short note.

If they want to reach out sooner, they can. If they don't, you get back in touch in a couple of months with nothing awkward hanging over it.

Ask again

When the time comes to ask them for a meeting, acknowledge their busyness again and let them know there's no judgement at all. 

Approach them with love and mercy and assume that they want to give.

Work through this with others

This is the kind of thing we work through together in Base Camp group coaching. If you're raising support and want help with the whole process, from invitations through to the meeting itself, I'd love to have you along.

Find out about Base Camp